My consultation appointment is a month from tomorrow.
The last time I made a consultation appointment, I canceled the day before. In someways it was bad timing with my new insurance kicking in and stuff–there was logistical reasoning behind it. But let’s be real, too. I was totally freaked out.
I understand now why people who get married get “cold feet” on their wedding day. It’s exciting, exhilarating, a life-changing decision. But it’s also forever in an uncontrollable way. It’s admitting you deserve better. Sometimes I wonder if I can do that.
But I gotta. I feel like there are some things I really want to do for myself, and my boobs are binding me to my old self. I can’t imagine life with a free chest. Will it be easier to breathe? Will I grow more chest hairs because I won’t be wearing a tight binder all the time? Will I feel more open? Less hot in the summer? Like a man I can be proud of? Will I know what to do with myself? Will I be able to wear a shirt without wondering if my boobs are showing? Will I be able to wear cute boy tanks? Will I ever love my body?
It was almost easier when I didn’t have insurance that covered it. I could lean on that–yeah, I don’t have the money 😦 so I can’t get it :(. But I’ve had the good insurance for a couple of months. I’ve had knowledge of the upcoming good insurance for even longer. I could have made steps sooner. What’s my excuse now?
It doesn’t matter. I really want it to matter, but it doesn’t. Top surgery is about taking care of myself. I need to also take care of my process.