Apparently even fatter than I thought

 

cw: body image feels

My last blog about feeling fat was a bit of a disaster. I only kept it on my Facebook for about an hour but a NUMBER of people reached out to me to tell me how I indeed should do things to be less fat. People who literally haven’t spoken to me in years suddenly came out of the woodwork to give me unsolicited advice about how to be less fat.

It was bad timing. I was so sad already. But then it’s like, people are being “supportive” but all I hear is “You’re fat and I can’t wait for you to stop being disgusting.”

It’s only one week into the year and I already feel like my body is the worst vessel. Top surgery has been temporarily thwarted, and my body is too fat to be appreciated. I wrote a post about how society is kind of fucked up and fatphobic and all I received in return were comments about how much I should change myself.

Idk. Because I realize people meant well, I’m supposed to take a chill pill but honestly I don’t have emotional capacity to tolerate that kind of stuff right now. I took down my post from social media. I felt myself dissolving into suicide. It doesn’t take much these days, so don’t feel bad.

I think when I talk about body image stuff, I’m going to not post it on FB or be a little bit more selective. I will still write about this because as a friend pointed out to me while I was swimming in sadness, this is MY truth. It will still be out there, but it will be a little harder to access. Feel free to “follow” my blog for email updates and shit if you don’t wanna miss out (god help ya).

I’ll have you know that the “health” part about being fat is interesting because my blood pressure is outstanding. They have to put the larger blood pressure cuff around my upper arm because they are ~so big~ but whatever nurse is doing the test pretty much ALWAYS says “Wow! You have great blood pressure.” They are surprised, because many think people who are well over 200 pounds are probably just unhealthy entirely, all of them, since they apparently “let themselves go.” That couldn’t be further from the truth–as it turns out, this fatass is only mentally unwell.

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