When I weighed myself after surgery, it was kind of hard to tell what was what. I was genuinely surprised that my weight wasn’t that different, but there were plenty of other variables–I had been laying around for two weeks, I was still kinda swollen, and it isn’t just a matter of chopping them off; it was about reshaping what was there, too.
My surgery was SIX MONTHS AGO on Tuesday. Half a year.
A lot of people asked me before and after the procedure: Aren’t you just like so excited???? And it’s like, yeah, but also that’s not the first thing I’d list when it comes to reactions. It was more like a combo of relief and peace. My chest today is something I’m a little shy about still–I have two thick scars snuggling my pecs-to-be, and I’m shy about my weight, and also when you’re told your whole life to never be shirtless unless you’re about to bang, it takes a second to remind yourself it’s socially acceptable now.
I’ve wanted to post photos but I can’t bring myself to do it. When I started testosterone I posted comparison pictures literally every week (and you kindly played along to validate how much change had(n’t) occurred since the week prior), but now I’m like, am I allowed? Are the pics gonna leak and be distributed to every employer in the tri-state area? Maybe that’s assuming I’m hot enough for Nudes-level-of-interest content.
My last phase of top surgery has two pieces: I want to feel good about my pecs. I am working out much, much more than ever before (a thing that is possible because of my surgery), and a lot of the reason why is because the surgeon sculpted me but if I even have a LITTLE definition, it will dramatically improve the look. The second piece is to wear a bro tank.
Wear a bro tank? can’t that be done by anyone, at any time? Sure can! But I have this vision of wearing a bro tank and I have a pretty specific idea of how I want to look in one. Stay tuned. I’m hoping I can meet my bro tank phase this summer! (my girlfriend bought me two bro tanks as a surgery present and it was the cutest, sweetest thing in the universe).
There are pros and cons to having gender dysphoria be a medical diagnosis. In some ways, it’s like, I’m not sick!! There’s nothing WRONG with me. And since gender is up in the brain, it’s almost like it’s considered a mental illness, which we know isn’t something we respect in society.
(Tangent: then some white guy shoots up a school and then everyones like ‘wow we need to do something about the mental illness in this country,’ as if the only way someone can shoot someone is if they’re mentally ill. that couldn’t be further from the truth, but we are unable to believe that people can be mentally well but outright evil. we are all capable of evil regardless of our PTSD, depression or any other mental illness. That’s why banning AR-15s might be a good idea just sayin)
On the other hand, having transgender stuff be a medical condition helps protect me. My health insurance covered my surgery. It was doctor-ordered, even though I wanted it. If that makes sense.
And it was doctor-ordered because of the way we feel after we get it. I can’t measure it–it’s not like my blood pressure is down or my x-ray looks a little less fractured. It’s related to my anxiety and depression but it’s not. It’s its own thing. And I still have really bad days but I can also consistently get up in the morning and know I’m more in alignment. Being trans isn’t ~who I am~, but it’s one of the scales of my life. I need to be balanced, and if my trans scale isn’t, there is more weight on me again.
In the end, I’d say my chest was 7 pounds. But I think we both know it’s a bit more sPECial than that.