Lately I’ve been in social situations where I’ve been asked, for some reason or another, what I do for fun.
When you only hang out with people who know you well, you don’t get asked that. It’s really convenient. I prefer it.
It was the worst when the new-therapist-I-tried asked me that. I of course spilled my guts about a bunch of serious stuff, but then she stops me and is like, “What do you do for fun?”
Can’t she have asked me what’s my worst childhood memory instead? That’d be so much easier!
An easy one to say is “oh, I’m a writer…” but that’s only partially true. Am I truly writing when I have free time and I’m bored? No, I’m usually just writing because I need to spill my guts out and I’ve already exhausted all my friend-resources. That’s hardly a hobby; it’s taking a shower with an audience.
I usually say “Oh, and I bowl!” as a second hobby. But that’s hardly a hobby too. I bowl once a week for my league; it’s organized.
One time a few months ago my therapist said to me, “I think suicide is your hobby.”
You should have SEEN how pissed that made me. Here I am, I thought, suffering with mental illness, and my therapist is chalking it up to just being bored.
I still don’t think suicide is a hobby but I WILL admit she’s getting somewhere. It DID occupy many of my hours of the last decade. And now that my new med is taking suicide off the table for me in a new way, I kind of don’t know what to do with myself sometimes.
I can go get a beer with a friend, be social, but how often can you do that before it becomes too much of a routine to rely on drinking to occupy your time?
Let’s face it. I need a hobby.
I know a ton of stuff I want to work on, like self improvement stuff. There are all these things I wish I did more of, like read, for example. When was the last time I read a novel cover to cover? Jesus, what kind of English major am I???
Here are a few things I could do instead of nothing:
- come up with a list of movies and watch them (I just got my very first Netflix account!)
- cultivate my spotify playlist
- learn how to take care of my truck
- practice karaoke songs
- watch videos teaching me how to do things
- plan surprises for people I love
- write letters to my grandpa
I think that’s a good list. It’s almost like I need a second wind like every hour though. It’s really nice to not default to the Depression Chamber every single evening but that doesn’t mean I’m motivated to do things.
Is there a movie I should see? Let’s start with that one. Hmu. (You could even leave a comment below–what??)