I can’t hear one more awful story (but I have to listen)

I remember the day after the trump election, there were news stories of huge spikes in Google searches of “How to move to Canada” in the US. It was funny, but it resonated. The compulsion to want to move away subsided for a while, because ultimately it can’t be that bad, right? We can get through it. If we’d survived what we’d already been through, we can handle anything, right?

Lately, every awful story I hear is another bag packed on my way out of this country.

It feels worse and worse. Then, it feels better way sooner than it should–just a few days ago trump made comments in awe of a present-day dictator. How he wished americans would revere him as much as they revere Kim Jong-un. Narcissists are like that. But we stopped processing dictator-admiration because now kids are being separated from their parents.

(Btw, I’ve decided to not capitalize trump’s name anymore. This isn’t to be petty. trump uses language to manipulate us all the time and it’s more powerful than we realize. We have that option too. I still cringe whenever someone calls something “fake news” even as a joke. That is propaganda! To make you not trust journalists who put their lives on the line. Even when we use it as a joke we are giving honor and legitimacy to that phrase. Anyway, he doesn’t deserve a capital letter. It feels like the only thing I can do anymore.)

Almost worse than the awful news is the people who respond to it. I swore off getting into arguments on Facebook for months and months because it was too damaging. I was getting suicidal over people who I shouldn’t even need to talk to. Now I’m getting back into it, because I’ll literally see people who have kids of their own say stuff like “well coming here was illegal so they deserve it,” and I’m like, wow. We are masturbating over the US/Mexico border and any brown person who crosses it deserves to be in a concentration camp. And that isn’t even an exaggeration anymore! Remember when the holocaust and concentration camps were hyperbole? “Hitler” himself was hyperbole? Not so much anymore.

And the people who comment on it on Facebook are the absolute worst. I talked to a single mom, a veteran, who was like “yeah the kids being separated from their parents is hard, but they should have thought of that before coming here.”

That is a comment I’m SURE you’ve read from someone already. But I can’t stop thinking about it. And I can’t just scroll by that comment and let it sit there with glory, unaddressed. We freak the fuck out (rightly so) at any Amber Alert. And that’s for one kid. And the whole community is out there looking for the piece of shit’s license plate so we can bring that child home safe. All our smart phones buzz in unison. For one kid.

It’s the appropriate response. So then a couple thousand kids kind of go missing. Will face PTSD the rest of their lives. Because we’re jerking off at the nation’s border. Calling walking over that arbitrary line illegal enough to damage someone forever. Our smart phones are buzzing via news story after news story. We raise some money kinda. But there’s no license plate to look for. After all, we know the perp. We just kind of wait.

I keep saying we owe a LOT of reparations as it is, but we have a new set for all these kiddos who will need years of EMDR therapy (especially without a plan to reunite with their parents). Who’s gonna pay for that?

So a horrible news story comes out, something we cannot stomach. Some people who’d previously been neutral realize the toxicity of that and come to their senses. And some people get worse. And defend family separation because what they did is “illegal” even though it’s not!! Asylum, people!! And even if it were illegal, is it the kids’ fault? They’re the ones being punished. And that is assuming we like the law more than we like people (which I spose is proven every day).

I can’t argue with another adult about whether or not children should be Okay.

It’s the comments that are getting me. I can’t have any more hope. Don’t mention his spray-tan, or call him fat, or a cheeto, or Man-Baby. It’s almost dismissive: what we are seeing mirrors Hitler’s Germany so closely. People noticed it a year ago, and it’s getting even more like it. But because there’s another tragedy every 3 days, we don’t even know what to be in despair about. And I Cannot Take It. trump designed it so well–it’s like we’ve been groomed. Our peak despair happened early when trump made fun of a reporter with a physical disability. Or maybe it was when he proposed to make a database to track every Muslim in the US. Or maybe when he bragged about grabbing women by the pussy? Raping women? It’s almost easy to forget some of these things. I admittedly forgot about the Muslim-tracking database. There have just been so many things. And that is by design. That is how demagogues/dictators/fascists win over the people by way of complacency via being in a state of constant crisis. Our normal is our peak. What’s it gonna take to do something? And if we finally reach that point, what do we even do?

I have to stay off Facebook. But I can’t, because I’m camping with depression right now, and isolation is the worst thing for me. I don’t want to know anything else. But I must. I can’t disengage because that’s what fascism wants. When I see people–LOTS of people–defending trump, I lose faith that we will get better until someone bombs us like we bombed Germany. This is hopeless. Millions of people have been brainwashed and will defend trump until they die from their own loss of health care and Social Security. I don’t even want to be on the same internet as these people.

This is kind of embarrassing but when I’ve drafted suicide notes in the past, I’ve talked about trump. I’ve talked about where this country is going. That sounds so dramatic, but it’s true–I don’t want to be associated with this country, this world. But most of all, I don’t want to wait around and see what happens. Because I feel like I can’t do any damn thing. I’ve heard before “like it or leave it” and “if you don’t like it, change it.” What if we can’t do either?

I don’t have a happy ending to this post. I want to move to another country. I’ve lived under a mother narcissist (the personality disorder), not the colloquial use of the word, long enough growing up. And now one is killing us across the country.

But, you know. Happy Pride month.

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