Cw: suicide stuff
While I’m in between therapists and while I’m transitioning to a new mood stabilizer (TMI yet?), I am struggling to stay afloat sometimes. The good news is, unlike the past two months almost, I’m not sad every waking moment! Yes! It’s awesome. I can actually function most of the time. Incredible.
But then I get triggered by something (triggered in like a legit way, like something that triggers a traumatic experience/memory), or I become upset by something, or I become moderately offended. And then what happens? I lose my fucking shit. I have no ability to process. I can’t calm down my emotions. I dive.
It got me thinking, because it seems like I’m a kid again. When I get sad, I get very dependent. I rely on my girlfriend (bless her heart) or my friends to help hold me upright. I become incorrigible. Those same friends will offer actually very good advice, and I’ll be stubborn and act like a literal 5-year-old about it.
It’s like I’ve aged backwards in maturity. I don’t even remember feeling this way as a kid—I’ve always considered myself pretty mature for whatever age I was at for a long time. But my depression has made it harder to cope with everyday things, and unlike childhood, where things can be put on pause kinda, adulthood demands you pretty much keep up the pace regardless of your invisible-but-very-real mental illness.
But like, I used to have coping mechanisms, didn’t I? I used to be moody but stable? Like things would trigger me and it would get me down, but I would respond to help (right?). I would respond to people who’ve graciously given me their time and energy. Now it just seems like I want to quit all the time. A thing goes wrong, and instead of calmly being like, “Okay, this thing went wrong, and that’s unfortunate; let’s move forward,” I’m like “I can’t wait to go home so I can hang myself.” And it’s not really ironic. I go from 0 to -100 in the span of a moment.
I think the dependency is the hardest part though. I have this weird compulsion when I’m sad to tell everyone about how sad I am. I’m typically extremely open on the internet, and I used to post sad things on Twitter and stuff, but I literally always regret when I do that. I mean, employers check your Twitter. It’s not a secret. I probs shouldn’t post hella scary-sad things in a public place. It doesn’t make me look very ~employable~ even if I’m actually kind of an asset ;).
Anyway, to replace Sad Tweeting, I’ve taken up Sad Snapping on Snapchat. I’ll take a series of dramatic (but genuine) snaps and post them on my story. I watch who looks at them. I’m a mess. I overthink everything. I feel like a teenager. This is what a teenager would do. Again with the lack of maturity.
Here’s what I think when I’m stable:
Maturity and dependence are not related.
Sure, a child is immature (by nature) and they are also dependent on their guardians. But they just happen at the same time—they are not intertwined in the way I often think of them.
I’m dependent because I have a mental illness—a thing I cannot magically remove. I can work on things to improve my symptoms, but this seems like a pretty chronic thing and I may have it forever, amen. But that doesn’t mean I’m immature my whole life. It just means I need help and I usually ask for it.
The way in which I ask, though, can probably improve. The people I call upon can be more selective. I should spread the wealth. I don’t think that Sad Snapping really hurts anything, but maybe I could try reaching out to three people who are emotionally available instead of hoping someone will take pity on my pathetic plea for attention? My girlfriend is not on call to save my life every other night?
Maturity is something else entirely. I just tried to define it but I don’t think I can. Do you have a definition for maturity? It’s really hard to talk about without being able-ist. Lmk if you have thoughts on that.